An angel's love is based only on what she knows of you in her mind and heart, never on how she beholds you with her eyes...an angel's love is blind. If we could all begin to comprehend that God IS Love.
I don't know how I get 'stuck' on answering a question and the end result is me questioning myself from 1000 other points of view. That is the beauty and the torture of being in my mind: I can understand all points of view.
Loving too much? IS there such a thing? Many years ago (1979) I married a man who's family had wealth and of course the power that comes along with that. I loved his family as people and they love me to this day. However, J and I had an unstable little life due to his lack of self control. In that life we created three perfect and beautiful children that I wrapped my heart, soul and life around. They were my life. When I made the decision that I would no longer accept his lack of self control, his addictions to elicit sex, his promiscuity I picked myself up by my stockings and moved on. His parents attempted to lure me with illusions of financial security. I declared I'd be happier poor and alone than continue to deal with the situation that I was in. Fast forward 25 years and I would have made different decisions. Unfortunately we are too soon old and often too late wise. That I love him has never changed. How I love him has.
The consequence for my non acceptance and refusal to control him (I thought control was bad, now I realize that sometimes it is just plain necessary) was to lose custody of my children. I sank into a deep depression and had it not been for a commitment to another for the surrogate child I was now carrying I would not be here today. I gave her life, she gave it back. I lost my identity when I lost my children. I questioned everything: Was I still a mom? Would my children still love me? Would they come to grow to love another more? I fantasized for the first time in my life (and only one of two times ever) about the violent demise of a significant party in that experience.
Fortunately I have always been loved. Those who loved me carried me in that period, and I mean carried in a very literal sense. It was years to a place of acceptance. An experience I have never completely healed from. An experience that still, 22 years after the fact can bring me to my knees and instant uncontrollable tears. I loved my children so very much that I would have done anything, including die for them if that was what they needed.
Can we love our children too much?? Sometimes I think it is so. If it impairs our personal emotional and or mental health then it is too much.
Time has passed and the children have grown. Many of my fears are relieved. Of course my children could have never emotionally replaced a doting mother whose world revolved around them. In fact they grew to resent their removal from the perfect little world that I built around them. They hate their ex-ugly step monster as they have so lovingly nick named her. She will NOT be invited to their weddings or into their lives. They haven't even the time of day for her.
Last fall, when I moved the store it was close to my children now and what happened was that Thursdays became family day. Early in the morning the children (now 29, 27 & 25) would arrive at the store at varying times and my day was filled with their presence. One day I became overwhelmed with the reality that I finally had "custody" of my children back. Learning that my children now and had always looked up to me for my soft and gentle always loving nature. They brought their feelings to me for my guidance and wisdom. I joke about the high cost of my education....that school of hard knocks can be fairly pricey.
Over the last few months I have been pondering what love is. How many people live a life void of it? How many do not know how to either give or receive it? Love is such a vast emotion that covers such a broad spectrum. There is the love of a pet, a child, a sport, art, a husband, a wife, a mother, a sister, a car. Each and every type of love on so very different from the other. When I think of all the love that IS in my life through the many roles that I have achieved naturally I am awed. My mom tells me that I was born as love and as a child loved everyone, naturally nurturing, naturally loving. I know I am blessed.
What is it that fills one person’s life with love and another is filled with emptiness?? Love...the only thing that only has value when it is given away!
-To be continued.............
In sum, within every human are two angels; the Angel of Light and the Angel of Darkness. The one tends to promote all that is good; the other, all that is evil. Every human deed strengthens the hand of one angel or the other. What will be your choice today?
I recieved the following article via email and very much agree with it's contents. In my life it has been a sort of 'hobby' to study human behavior, action, reaction. How to bring about the most positive results. Being human myself, constantly learning and growing, I am capable of making mistakes, wrong choices and even hurting others. This would be anathema to my personal belief system where in all things should work for the betterment and good of all. When a mistake is made one must, responsibly, step back, review and then rectify. If one continues to make the same mistake repeatedly then obviously one has not learnt a lesson at all. I have observed this in a few people that I have come to know.
Civility and Incivility in the Scene:By Chris M [Black Rose of Washington DC] and Lady Medora [New OrleansPower Exchange] (The authors hope that everyone and anyone will sendthis through any boards you belong to including the authors names).One of the most grave and inexplicable problems facing our community in general is the continued presence of downright rudeness. It takesmany forms: gossip, arrogance, slander, ingratitude, interpersonalcruelty, Rumor-mongering, the propensity to snub, shun or belittle, arefined Sensitivity to slight paired with strident disregard for howones actions And words effect others. It is astonishing, and terriblysad, how poorly we Get along from the viewpoint of interpersonalrelationships. Why a community like ours, whose members strive for amature outlook on power, consent and tolerance should feud with suchviolence and monotonous regularity is a true mystery.In our community, we see behavior one would never dream grown adultscould stoop to. We have seen SM groups who ought to get along fine,bicker endlessly and mindlessly. We have seen "leaders" whose missionappears to be the personal demolition of others whose contributions tothe community might challenge their own. We know good people who haveleft the scene because of the cattiness, clique-mentality, anddeliberate un consenting meanness. This propensity, often called "Topsdisease", is by no means limited to dominants. It is nationwide inscope affecting virtually every group we have visited in our travels.It isn't hard to imagine a universe where this kind of behavior neveroccurred at all. Aggression, power and consent, to say nothing ofetiquette, are concepts SM folk deal with all the time. The BDSMcommunity has made great strides in developing and documenting a widevariety of safe SM practices, protocols and standards for negotiationand play. Yet, strangely, the bickering, bitchiness and backstabbinggoes on unabated. The last two Black Rose election cycles, haveproduced virtual demolition derbies of friendships over seeminglytrivial issues. TES went through a similar bloodbath several yearsago, in the wake of their 25th anniversary celebration. And many smallgroups have closed, not because of legal persecution, fiscalmismanagement or lack of membership, but due to jealously, powerstruggles, and malicious gossip. The wounds inflicted by incivilityexceed any damage perfumed in consensual dungeon play and theemotional scarring that uncivil behavior leaves on its victims lastslonger than any bruise.You might guess that the worst of this behavior comes from scenenovices but you would be wrong. Beginners, usually eager to fit in andmake friends, typically deport themselves well. The worst of thisbehavior comes from people who have been in the scene for years. People with experience, with play partners, with contacts, are oftenthe most judgmental, least generous, most easily-offended, readiest toslander others. It is strange, but over and over we have seenseemingly friendly newcomers arrive in the scene, become avid pupilsof our craft, grow into competent players, then unexpectedly mutateinto arrogance, self-importance and interpersonal ruthlessness. Manyleave the community in bitterness, anger or disgrace. The civilityquestion may play a role in the scene's curious lack of people ofcolor, who understand discrimination and hostility when they see it,and feel unwelcome. It hurts our leather brethren, demolishesfriendships, breaks the spirit of our volunteers, cripples socialgroups, invites retaliation, and weakens our claim that SM ispracticed by emotionally healthy, well-adjusted people. Why are wedoing this? What can we do to stop it?THE SCOPE OF THE PROBLEM: WHAT IS INCIVILITY?We will go straight to examples. By no means exhaustive, here are somecategories of incivility we encounter in the scene.The Empathy Gap: This is subtle, but actually lies behind much uncivilbehavior. Not so much the presence of hatred or dislike, but anabsence of empathy and kindness towards other members of our SMcommunity. In a better world, we would all actively welcome strangers,extend cordiality, start up conversations, feel a little compassiontowards others like ourselves. But, more often than not, people feelnothing in particular towards people they meet in the scene. This"inner nothingness" sets the stage for much of the uncivil behavior wefind in the scene.Gossip: We all do it, and yes it can be loads of fun catching up onall the latest. Plus, gossip serves a valuable purpose when inquiringabout someone you may be interested in playing with. by scenestandards, it is not uncivil to conduct good faith peer review whileinquiring about someone's play style, experience, and reputation. Butgossip conducted with the intent to harm, or passing along dubious orinflammatory rumors is behavior that hurts the scene. In gossip, aswith other things, there must be some sense of proportion. Gossip canalso violate the confidentiality of individuals, possibly subjectingthem to dangerous and unnecessary risk. Both truth and privacy arecardinal principals in the scene, and reckless gossip damages both.Clique Politics: To have a circle of friends is a good thing, but notwhen the goal is circling the wagons to shut out people who "don't fitin" In the same way that benign sharing of information can beamplified into vicious, destructive gossip, maintaining cliques whosepurpose it is to weaken and ostracize others, hurts the community aswell as the individuals excluded. Ultimately, clique players make somany enemies that they themselves are resented or unwelcome.Sweet and Sour: A clique politics tactic: Some people make extravagantshow of how close and loving they are to their circle of friends,hugs, smiles, introductions glowing compliments, in part too maximizethe sting inflicted against perceived outsiders, who are refused eventhe time of day. A stock move among catty sorority girls during rushweek, (the Amish call this shunning) it's embarrassing to see how manygrown men and women use "sweet and sour" to isolate and hurtindividuals whose feelings and esteem they regard as unimportant. Thistruly nasty habit creates "us and them" fissures, that fragment thecommunity, hurt feelings and invite retaliation.Chicken Hawk Syndrome: With a constant influx of SM beginners, someattempt to acquire play partners under the guise of "mentoring".Chicken hawk syndrome includes strong come-ons, boastful presentationof ones own experience and skill, sometimes in trashing other people,sometimes attempting to isolate new people from the presence orinfluence of others, all in the name of "education", or at leastactive attempts to recruit them into their clique of preference. While there is nothing wrong with expressing interest in someone (newto the community or not) it is dishonest to couch your interest interms of education. For new people we advice you to take your time inchoosing exclusive mentors if you feel the need to do that at all, andideally to form relationships with a circle of friends and not to relyon just one point of view.SM Psychodrama: High volume yelling matches, absurd conspiracymongering, unbridled venom towards community peers...Does any of thissound familiar? Here's a test: If such behavior would get you firedfrom a professional workplace, please leave it at home. Failure toseparate role from reality: We are an imaginative bunch (witness thenumber of science fiction fans, and Ren-fair enthusiasts in our midst)and this is both good and bad. Some take the view that the scene is aplace their fantasy become reality, raising the specter of unrealisticexpectations which can infringe on safety, consent even sanity.Someone who prides herself on being an unreasonable, demanding bitchin scene should always watch to draw a line between what isappropriate in scene and into daily life, even if they considerthemselves "lifestyle".The Dom=Dickhead syndrome: While some dominants are true artistscultivating a gourmet's appreciation of pleasure, pain and power,others are mere peevish control queens, itchy for a chance tocriticize, get belligerent, boss others around. Still others, new tothe community (but not to Gor novels) make the classic error ofequating their sexual dominance with an overbearing, overreachingmanner dominated by virtue of their presence at a SM event. Regardlessof how dominant you are within your consenting relationships (and morepower to ya!), you can no more "assume" consent in your interactionswith others, than you can in an SM scene. Dominants who assume itsokay to boss others around, and demand subservient treatment, demandedrudely, are making the classic newbie error of assuming its okay totouch or grab others bodies without out asking.The Realness Police: In which everyone assumes that your SM shouldclosely resemble theirs. Scoffing at scenes for being too mild, tooheavy or too whatever. One particularly odious habit is the loudlyproclaimed belief in those great SM unicorns the "true dom" (" truedoms never bottom...being a true dom means never having to say yoursorry, etc.") or "true submissive" ("If you were a TRUE submissive youwould do X for me, let me do Y to you, take it in stride while Iwaltz off and do Z.")The Imperial-Imperious confusion: Some scenefolk, in an effort toappear imperial (kingly, of high standard, worthy of respect) conductthemselves in a manner that is imperious (overbearing, bossy,judgmental). A surprising number of scene-folk begin this confusionafter a few years in the community, as they assume leadershippositions, or when they decide that it is time they were recognized asauthorities, if not superiors. While many feel that imperious behaviordemonstrates expertise, importance and intelligence, in truth italmost never fails to alienate potential friends and play partners andmake the offender look bad. While pecking order tactics like these arefine for beings with the intelligence and spiritual depth of sparrowsand chickens, in humans they are shallow, unkind and run counter tothe spirit of "safe sane and consensual." Furthermore, people will notcontinue to support and tolerate people who treat them badly. Even so,unwise bystanders, occasionally reward this kind of boorishness withattention and respect, making our collective problem worse. New peoplesee this behavior in community leaders and players of high prominenceand emulate it, believing it to be proper, accepted or connoting highstatus.Expert-itus: (a variant of the previous point) the state of confusingones own expertise with the ability to pick nits, and find faults inother people's play, demeanor, protocol, motives. While sharing sceneknowledge is generally a good thing, it can be, and often is,overdone. Go easy on the free advice.WHY DO WE DO IT?In fairness, we don't want to suggest that leatherfolk are inherentlyrude people. The scene, as wonderful as it can be, contains manysubtle and seldom discussed "stress factors" that contribute touncivil behavior. Like water over a stone, these stress factors wearon the nerves year after year, thus setting the stage for impatience,irritation, depression and the empathy deficit we have already discussed.The scene is a small world, and quarters are close, closer than wemight like sometimes. Because BDSM is an interest that selects atrandom, we often find ourselves spending a lot of time with people wemight not otherwise choose as friends.The scene is an intensely intimate place, we express our innerfantasies and fears, sometimes share partners, see each other nude,watch each other cum...Is it any wonder people are sensitive about howwe are treated by others?Because these practices are incredibly diverse, we find themselves inthe occasional presence of activities that make us uncomfortable. Thescene is a strange place and it takes a while to adjust. (And somethings you may never get used to.)The pressures of closeting: The pressure of maintaining a secret life,of hiding your leather life from friends, colleagues, and family addsa constant overlay of tension to daily life. Scene folk have to managethe presence of fetish contraband including toys, clothes, literatureand erotica whose discovery might be catastrophic. The risk, real orperceived, can encompass loss of employment, of friends, of family,even custody of ones' kids.Jealousy, loneliness and competition for partners are facts of life.People without play partners may become unhappy or angry. People seenas getting more than their share can trigger insecurity andresentment. Even people with partners may see threats around every corner.The scene, like any fringe group, attracts its share of eccentrics andoutcasts, some fascinating and agreeable, others less so. Newcomerna?vet??: New people unacquainted to the scene's protocolsoccasionally touch, grab or conduct themselves in an inappropriatemanner. Although individuals typically learn to deport themselves overtime, the constant influx of newcomers means newcomer na?vet? is aconstant, grating issue.The realities of the party circuit: It is a hard fact of scene life isthat most parties are private and their invite lists finite. For everyguest invited there are twenty left outside. The guest list isdictated by what the hosts can afford, their circle of friendships,the size of their home and many other factors. But it still stings tohear about a party without getting an invite. And it happens all the time.EMAIL (the medium of choice for many SM participants) : Without afriendly face or modulations of human speech, text encounters can beeasily misstated/misunders tood. Couple that with the sometimes bluntwriting style of emailers everywhere, the added gravity of the writtenword and the ease of escalating a private remark into public rebukewith a misplaced keystroke, and you've got the makings for an onlinefood fight.SOME THOUGHTS ON WHAT YOU CAN DO TO FIX ITOne of the more sobering aspects of the list above, is that therereally are no easy solutions to any of these problems. The scene issmall, people are sensitive, invite lists are short, and we really dohave some truly eccentric people who will continue to behaveeccentrically. But there is room for hope. We do a good job ofestablishing, and enforcing, play standards to make SM safe and hot.We are improving all the time as educators of play practices. But,interpersonal conduct outside of the SM encounter itself, has not beenmade a priority and its probably time it should be. We must recognizecivility (defined in part by the examples in this report) as a threatto the health of our community, and commit ourselves as individuals,to improving our own behavior first. We must extend civility, decency,care and concern beyond our personal circle to members of thecommunity at large. This doesn't mean we have to be everyone's bosombud, but that concern for others is a priority instead of thenon-issue it is for many at present. We are not talking aboutsainthood or communism here. The goal is not to stand around acampfire in a ring, holding hands singing Kumbaya. But if we allimprove our behavior, and extend our compassion by ten percent, wewill be living in a completely transformed universe. Secondly, throughmentoring and our education programs, we must elevate civility as arequirement for our leaders and citizens. While scene etiquette (asubset of civility), is an SM staple, it deals mainly with deportment,protocols and standards of interaction, and doesn't address the deeperissues of cultivating compassion, tolerance and awareness, towards ourSM brethren. These are tougher ethics-driven issues often withoutsimple answers. And, though vocal, it is a minority of scene-folk whodo the worst of this callous behavior. Most want a scene that isfriendly and supportive. Many are willing to work to make it so(hopefully you too if you've read this far). And though the gossips,scolds and assholes among us often succeed in hurting their intendedtargets (and incidentally, our community), their greatest causalitiesare ultimately their own reputations. Remember that we are allbrothers and sisters in a community no matter how diverse. If webehave like we care about and support one other, we will all findourselves, by definition, in an environment that is more caring andsupportive. Improved civility should presented as causal to thefollowing desirable conditions: stability of friendships; respect ofpeers; trust of potential play partners (civility means stability);strengthens ones personal network of contacts; supports the positionthat SM is practiced by sane, well adjusted people; elevates fairnessand justice (which are eternal) as the coin of the realm as opposed topopularity and bureaucratic clout (which are fleeting and can vanishat any moment); strengthens the community and makes it healthier;raises the comfort quotient for newcomers.A PROPOSED APPROACH: EXTEND SSC INTO INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPSStrive as individuals and organizations to extend "safe, sane, andconsensual" into the arena of interpersonal conduct. So lets turn thelaser beam of SSC onto our civility concerns and see what it tells us:Uncivil behavior is nonconsensual: Unless assured, otherwise goodmanners and general kindness should be the coin of the realm. To doless is to engage someone without their consent. Doms should restricttheir dominance to those who have consented to it. Submissives whopester others with unsolicited subservience are likewise in violation.And nonconsensual dominance in the name of "mentoring" doesn't washeither. Gossips and scolds should likewise consider their behavior interms of consent. Subjecting someone to a tongue lashing or a gossipcampaign is really no better than drawing out a flogger and hammeringaway at them without warning. Uncivil behavior is not safe: Cruel,thoughtless behavior can damage hurt people, deeply, for as long time,and that cannot be called safe. In the same way that humiliation canbe more damaging than physical pain, the emotional harm inflicted fromincivility may far exceed what you intend. Unsolicited advice can comeacross as cutting, and judgmental. Incivility also sets a diminishedcommunity standard for others to follow, making incivility moreacceptable and social environment suffers often scaring mature decentpeople away, and can in time bring a group to its knees. Small acts ofrudeness, or disregard, even if only perceived as such can balloon upinto clique wars.And if the well being of your intended victim means nothing to you,consider this: If you make trouble for people, chances are it willcome back to haunt you later on. People have a way of reciprocatingbehavior. Be nice and people will be nice back. Be a jackass andthat's how others will see AND speak of you. This is a small world andif you screw someone, you are handing them a motive to get you backlater. Even if you are queen of the in-clique at present, no onecontrols the future and, over time, the leather gods have a way ofevening things out. The community is close, memory is long, andpaybacks are a bitch. For this reason alone, uncivil behavior isunsafe to you.Uncivil behavior is not even all that sane: For years many of us feltwe were solitary freaks before finding this community. To reinforcefeelings of rejection in our brothers and sisters by deliberatelywithholding human decency, or subjecting them to deliberate hardship,is just not defensible. People who find themselves helpless to resistclashing with or inflicting imperious behavior on their scene fellows,would do well to begin some serious soul searching and perhaps seekingout the help they need. A lot of uncivil behavior is retaliatory.Someone does something that hurts or offends you prompting anaggressive response. Unfortunately this may be exactly how it looks tothe person you just dissed. If you find that your actions and behaviorare building up to a feud, it is a great idea to apologize for yourpart in the situation and disengage from the conflict. Furthermore,the long term gains from uncivil behavior are so meager, and the costsso high that it really does not pay for people who hope to stay in thecommunity for some time. (Even if they win a short term victory.)APHORISMSTaking care of your community. Take care of its members. Agree todisagree. you don't have to dis just because you dislike. Civilitydemonstrates stability. Piss off a bigot; be nice to a leather person.Imperious does not mean imperial. SSC is always in effect, whether ornot a scene is in progress. Resist the urge to reward slanderousgossip with your attention and involvement -it's not consensual, andnot safe, even it's sanity is questionable. Tithe: give ten percentmore in kindness appreciation gratitude, forgiveness. Never assumeSafety. Never assume Consent. SM does not stand for Super Man - nobodyis perfect and everyone makes Mistakes. Be willing to concede thepoint if you have been uncivil. Being willing to fess up, andapologize, makes you stronger, not weaker. Always try to be the voiceof sanity and reason. Incivility is uncivil, whatever the excuse. Tryto maintain perspective. Maintain a healthy sense of humor. Truewealth is the ability to give kindness. Never forget your pleasure.Acceptance is voluntary, tolerance is mandatory.
It seemed for a moment she was lost in her thoughts. She stood reflecting on the shore of the lake. Reliving the dream she had lived in her sleep the night before. She hadn’t really lived it, but it had been a very real dream. She stood at that same lake shore the night before. There was a man before her, a man behind, and a man on her right. She couldn’t help but think that this must be more symbolic than metaphoric. The man before her beckoned her forward into a vast lake where she could not see the other shores. The man beside her had his arm in front of her and the man behind her seemed to pull her backwards by some magnetic unseen force. The stature of the men were familiar to her, but their faces remained un-illuminated. At no time did they speak.
I’m not sure how to see this really. I would love comments and observations on this. Whom might you imagine these men to be?
I’ve been studying the spirit as pertains to each human being. It is my belief that we are human beings whom are possessed of a spirit that is the life of the soul. The three parts are one while we live. Our spirit is the defining factor for our soul destination. Are we light or dark? Are there shades of black and white like day and night with the fantastic sun rises and amazing sun sets? I believe that our spiritual and emotional health control our physical health equally to the sustenance we ingest. Did you ever think about the word disease? Dis ease, the absence of ease. It is interesting to observe the ‘coincidence’ of particular Dis-eases in conjunction with consistent types of spiritual or mental health characteristics.
In an effort to purge my life of ill health I have taken a walk through the rooms in the heart of my house and studied each for the lessons there in. There are rooms near half a century old. There are rooms filled with love and hope and lightness. There are rooms that the shades have been pulled and the doors softly closed. There are rooms that will remain shuttered, barred and locked, forever more destined to cobwebs. I wonder if I’ll ever want to go there again.
There are rooms so full of pain that I could never go there again. There are rooms where pain was the only feeling available lest it was otherwise an illusion. In every room there is a lesson learnt. For every thing there is a purpose. Some things are resistant to revealing their purpose.
